Sport and the older man

Gary Player - not in the first flush of youth

I can't say that sport has ever figured high on my list of interests: exercise yes, to a certain degree - and in times past I was devoted to horse-riding.  But I was conscious of my failure as a sportsman generally when speaking to my barber the other day.  I say "barber" intentionally, because my lack of hair has reduced a haircut to a whizz over with the clippers, rather than the shampooing, careful shaping and conditioning that used to be a ritual in some of the smarter London salons.  I now go to an elderly gent in Saint Leonard's, down the road, and queue up with everyone else.

I know that said elderly gent is fond of his golf, so was chatting to him about his game, after we had exhausted the weather.  (Nothing too daring by way of conversation at the barber's - mention the Pope or Margaret Thatcher at your own risk.)  He asked me if I played golf myself, and I confessed that I hadn't touched a club for fifty years.  He then dropped his voice, adopting the tone that barbers once used when asking if there was anything needed "for the weekend", and asked "Do you do any sport?" - pause - "bowls, for example?"

I had obviously not made the grade on the sports front.  My morale was improved by reading, that afternoon, an article in the Hastings Observer about a local farmer who was to celebrate his 60th birthday by running in the London marathon dressed as a chicken, followed by running 69 miles along Hadrian's Wall and finally a cycle ride from Hastings to London.  I found this less admirable than insane and likely to wreck his aged joints.  I was relieved to see that the newspaper editor shared my view, as was shown by his inserting, below the article, a prominent advertisement for mobility scooters and electrically powered Zimmer frames. 

Walking the dogs three times a day is likely to be as far as I get in the sports stakes, so world golf champions - and indeed my barber - have nothing to fear on that score.  And I can't really take bowls seriously - not after Beryl Cook.

Antony Mair

Beryl Cook's Bowling Ladies